Day 14 - Beauty

Today the only time I have to do this blog is whilst travelling. So..... I'm sitting in the back of;the car wearing Pete's noise cancelling headphones and with a huge shawl over my head and I say, "Do you think this looks weird?" "Don't worry," says Pete, "people will just think we're muslims!"

I start to meditate on the subject of head covering. Muslim women often cover their heads in public and sometimes their faces too, and orthodox Jewish women sometimes wear wigs, and Christian women certainly used to wear hats in church.....so what's it all about? This may take a little longer than usual so I suggest you go and make yourself a cuppa. (That's a cup of tea for those who are not British!) 

I think of all the reasons why a women might want to cover her head:

1. Protection - from heat or cold or dangerous falling objects (a hard hat) or a bicycle helmet

2. Beauty - like wearing a hat at a wedding etc,.

3. Hygiene - to keep hair in check (a surgeon or a chef)

4. As a sign of authority and submission - ie. a policewoman's cap

5. Covering up - either beauty or ugliness.

Numbers 4 and 5 need a little opening up I think. 

Submission. I look up the word on Google images and then wish I hadn't!  I think what the world views as submission is really subjection; the former is voluntary whereas the latter is enforced. OK, - to say we don't need submission is to say we don't need leadership; one without the other is pointless. It's the nature of leadership and submission that's important. Jesus modelled both.When he acted as a hired servant and washed the feet of his friends, this was leadership; when he voluntarily chose to die on the cross, this was submission. Some people find some of Paul's writings a little difficult on the subject of wives submitting to their husbands. My view is that men and women are in a partnership in marriage and each can take leadership of different aspects of life together, but there are times when a woman's emotional nature can make her more vulnerable and that's when a husbands leadership can be helpful. As for covering the head, physical things can be helpful but it's what's going on in the heart that's important here. Actually, submission is a way of life for both men and women. Intelligent (not blind) submission to leadership is powerful, because we all move together instead of pulling away from each other. 

As for number 5, covering up beauty seems to me to be sad. It's hiding what God has made to be lovely. I think that through the ages men have not known what to do with the problem of women. We are their greatest joy and their biggest weakness, and they've tried to protect themselves from this weakness by covering us up. How ridiculous is the thought of a woman riding side saddle in a voluminous skirt because she mustn't show her legs! 

If you read the sermon on the mount, Jesus speaks powerfully about how evil is present in the heart and external things cannot eradicate it. Modesty in dress is sensible, but let us celebrate beauty!   

Day 13 - All My Sons

Today is my son's 17th birthday. As I sit here, I think about him and all the experiences of life that have brought him to where he is today. Thank you Lord God for my son. Then I find myself praying for Jihadi John...... and Jihadi Bill and Jihadi Erik..... all those young men who've dedicated themselves to a cause. Some of them might be of a similar age to my son. Not evil, just swept along - some of them passionate, some of them plain scared, some hardened by life's experiences, all of them so young.

My mind is taken back to last year and the play my son studied for his GCSE Engish - 'All My Sons' by Arthur Miller. I went with him to see the play and was really challenged by its message. In a nutshell, a man's business has produced faulty aircraft parts which has resulted in the death of some young airmen, including his own son. The play is a comment on the ease with which we are prepared to compromise our integrity for our own benefit. Wow, Lord, help me to make the right choices when the crunch comes.

And these young men fighting in some far corner of the planet................ I'm not even sure exactly where it is.............

they are all my sons. 

Painting: The Return of the Prodigal Son - Rembrandt.

Day 12 - Walking with Jesus

Talk about letting out your closet poet...... here's another offering!

We set out on our journey of life

With great aims and high expectations. 

In our mind is a cottage with neat hedges

But all we're left with is jagged rough edges.

And we come on our knees to the Lord

When we finally admit to the mess.

He won't give an instant solution

But instead offers His substitution:

His love for our hate,

His joy for our sadness,

His peace in our conflict,

His goodness for our badness.

So once more we set out on our journey

But with renewed vision and goals;

This time no selfish agenda,

Just a longing to reach out to souls.

I realise that the rhyming structure of this poem changes half way through.... I could suggest that it was planned to show the change of heart in the person..... but I have to admit it was totally accidental!

Day 11 - Pink?

A little earlier in the day and I'm looking at the lovely colours in my rug again......specifically, pink! Lord, have you got more you want to say about colour? So.....is pink a feminine colour? Well, light pink is different from bright pink because it seems so soft and gentle. So, are women soft and gentle? Here goes with a few of my musings today.....

Men are strong and angular and firm and decisive - women are beautiful and rounded and soft and sensitive. (Hear me out, those of you who are squirming!) These, I believe, are the extremes of masculine and feminine. God has created us in His image and He has created us male and female. So.... is God a man or a woman? Well, neither, because He is a spirit, and I believe that He encompasses both a maleness and femaleness in His make up. So why do we call Him Father? It's because that protective but strong trait of fatherhood is how He chooses to reveal Himself to us. This is so good for us in our society because so many children are without a father or have absent or sometimes brutal father role models in their lives. 

So, we have been made male or female, but within each of us are the characteristics of both male and female. I think it's such a shame that men sometimes feel they cannot let their feminine side out in public and there's so much sexual stuff out there which portrays women as helpless pink blobs! As a musician I know many lovely creative men who are no less masculine than James Bond (would you even want to be him, 'just for the day'?) and a fair few strong women with great leadership gifting who are no less women than their quieter friends. So again, my thought for today is.... be yourself! Men, let out your closet poet, and women, believe in your giftings!    

Day 10 - building

Ooops... this is now after midnight... so technically it's not day 10 but day 11......something went wrong with my finished blog and now I have have to re-do it.... hey ho :)
As I'm waiting with God tonight, I find myself asking the Holy Spirit to fill me again. I'm asking for Him to flood my church, my family and friends with His presence.... and you, too, my blog-readers :) I cover myself with the lovely enormous warm shawl that my son bought me for Christmas, partly to keep warm, and partly to remind myself of how I'm covered in God's love, and I ask the Holy Spirit to teach me how to be a follower of Jesus, how to really be a disciple. In the book of James, in the Bible, he says that if someone were to look at their reflection in a mirror and then walk away and completely forget what they looked like, it's the same as learning about how to live well without putting it into practice. Hearing without doing. Actually, we're all doing something....we're all building something. Jesus said we either build on rock or on sand, as simple as that. I think I want to build on rock.

Day 9 - Overflowing!

The word that comes to me is 'LACK'. How many of us have felt that what we have isn't enough. We haven't enough time, we don't have enough money, we aren't clever enough or talented enough and hey...we're just not popular at all! We're not thin enough or funny or beautiful or maybe, for a man it's not enough muscles or sporting prowess. There's always something. Our society idolises the rich and famous and most of us are pretty average to say the least! As the youngest child of four, when out hill walking with the family I was always last, and just as I caught up with everybody (who'd all been having a nice rest and enjoying the beautiful scenery), they would start walking again..... no rest for me! Sometimes we just can't keep up.

The next word that comes to me in my time of waiting on God, is 'LOSS'. I find myself beginning to weep for the sadness of loss in the hearts of my fellow human beings. Lost opportunities, lost friendships, lost childhood or lost reputation. 'If only....' 

Being a Christian is so amazing.... because Jesus is so amazing! After the moments of sadness, suddenly I am filled with joy. Not just a peaceful feeling, but a silliness that wants to jump in the air and shout out of the window at random strangers, rather like Scrooge after he changes his attitude in 'A Christmas Carol'. Jesus said He wanted us not just to have life, but MORE ABUNDANT LIFE! It's all about generosity. The best man (or equivalent) was amazed at the quality of the wine Jesus provided, the nets were beginning to break with the abundance of fish caught after Jesus intervened and there were baskets and baskets of food left over after Jesus fed everyone. This is so hilarious.... when so many people are holding on tightly to what they have in this 'time of austerity', the Lord calls us to trust Him and be generous....with abandon :)

Day 8 - Joy

Hi everyone! Well, I've successfully completed one week of my 50 day challenge so far. How have I been? Well.... not once, but twice in this week I have dreamed, yes dreamed, that I was watching T.V. dramas.... how pathetic is that? It's not like I normally watch a huge amount of television - not normally more than about four hours a week, but...... am I having withdrawal symptoms or something? My experience of spending an hour each day waiting on the Lord has been easier than I thought. It has actually flown by and there's been a tremendous sense of peace and how wonderful it is to not feel I've got to be doing things all the time. Here's today's offering:

Well, I'm here, and God is here and I sense His peace in the room. But I am empty and for a long time no particular thoughts take root. My mind flits here and there and I wonder if God will bring anything to light today. Then a song floats into my mind.... it often seems to start with a song! It's by Nick and Anita Haigh, and here are some of the words: 

Empty, broken, here I stand - Kyrie Eleison
Touch me with your healing hand - kyrie Eleison
Take my arrogance and pride - Kyrie Eleison
Wash me in your mercy's tide - Kyrie Eleison
Kyrie Eleison, Christe Eleison, Kyrie Eleison.

One thing I like about this song is that although it deals with weighty issues the tune seems so full of joy.

The strange words are Greek and they mean Lord, have mercy, Christ, have mercy, Lord, have mercy.

I look up a few verses in the Bible where it appears.... quite a few times in the psalms, and in the gospels when blind men ask Jesus to have mercy on them. Jesus is so ready to reach out to hurting people and He shows us the heart of the Father. I feel God's sadness over the injustice to the poor, the weak and the oppressed, and I ask Him to have mercy on us. But then there's the tune of the song which dances along though the sadness and I am assured, once again, that it's not the end of the story yet. The joy we feel comes from a God who dwells in eternity and knows the end from the beginning. 

Day 7 - Faith

Waiting in the stillness, I think about the snowdrop I stopped to admire this morning: so delicate, so pure, so lovely. And yet it must be so strong to endure the harshness of the winter weather. We actually had a hailstorm today...just when I was beginning to think Spring was on the way! So here I am, singing again another old hymn, 'Praise, my soul, The King of Heaven', and I'm thinking about faith.

After two world wars our country was shattered by the depth of evil it endured, and it waltzed headlong into the happy-go-lucky 50's and 60's, trying to forget the terrors. "How could it possibly be true that there's a God up there who cares about humanity when so much evil shook the world?" Our collective faith began to dwindle. And people who go through trauma and great sadness sometimes feel the same way, throw out their faith and live for today.  

But surely this is what Easter is all about. He cared enough to share in our humanness and pain. it's not the end of the story yet! And we simply cannot blame God for the mistakes of humanity....let's brave the winter and hold on to our faith.
Here's a poem I wrote today in my time in God's presence:

I am reality when all that has seemed so real pales into shadow,

I am rock when all that has seemed so solid is now weak and hollow.

I am a hand to hold and guide you when tears blur your sight,

I am here right beside you during the long hours of the night.

And faith is believing, in the darkness, what you have seen in the light.

Day 6 - Never too Late

Here I am.....with a plastic bag on my head! Yes, you've guessed it, it's that time for putting colour on my hair again :) I find myself asking the question, "Why do you do it, Shirley?" You know, I don't think it's because I want to look more beautiful (even though, as you know, I do like colour!!) I come to the conclusion the real reason is because I don't want to look old. I don't mind the idea of growing old and I actually quite like being in my fifties.... I feel more secure in myself than I've ever been. I think it's more to do with our society's view of old age; we just have little respect for our elderly. It must be a little of how disabled people feel when questions are addressed to their carers and not to them.

And now I'm thinking again of what I mentioned in my blog from Day 3, that who we are becoming is chosen on a daily basis by our own choices. Well, I've changed my mind on that one. While it might be true for us without the power of God's grace, with God's grace (that is .... the flow of His favour on our lives that comes through faith) literally anything is possible. Jesus said that with God, all things are possible, so that means that it's never too late to change; our habits, our attitudes, our thought life. It wasn't too late for Lazarus (read the story in the bible: John chapter 11) and it's not too late for me or you. 

Day 5 - In Love

"Hello Lord, I'm here. It's good to be here with you again." I'm sitting on my rug, and I'm about to say, "I love being here with you," but instead I say, "I'm in love with you!" I wasn't expecting that. It's not something I say to God every day. I start thinking about love and what it means to be in love. 

Children fall in love easily....with their mum and dad, their friends, a caterpillar or the latest toy, because children are passionate people and are not afraid to love passionately. And they can fall out of love just as passionately! But we, as adults, have learned to keep our distance... and our dignity.

I think about how I felt when I fell in love with my husband. Firstly I had to open the door to see my friend in a different light, but when that love was returned I found myself smitten with this feeling of being 'in love' which seemed to be all consuming and I was so happy. Marriages built on such feelings without the commitment to keep loving through the difficult times find that they have no real foundation and may not last for long. However, a marriage without the spark of love is lacking the very breath of life. 

But how can we love a God we can't see or feel or hug? I suppose we see Him in others, but also, when we realise that we're not just physical bodies but living spirits and we need all our spiritual senses awakening. God is like us...we know this because we're made in His image....so if we're like Him then He's like us! And we're made PASSIONATE :) 

Being in love is just being passionate about life, and with the passion comes the hurt, because our beautiful world is hurting, but I reckon it's worth it.

Day 4 - Colours

So it's earlier in the day, but maybe it wasn't such a good idea after all, because almost as soon as I sit in my chair I begin to nod off. I don't suppose it matters too much though.... it refreshes me and I wake up thinking of colour. My rug sets me off on this track so I think I'll share a picture of it with you. it was a present from my daughter, and actually it's a bath mat.... but I liked it so much it now lies beside my bed. 

I love colour. Since we got married my husband has had to go away on trips and I'm quite used to him not being here, but I notice when he comes home that my life seems to have more colour in it. I'm thinking about Joseph's coat of many colours from the bible: it seems to symbolise God's favour as Joseph was his father's favourite son. And Tamar, King David's daughter, when she was raped by her brother, ripped up her robe of many colours - she no longer felt that favour on her life. Certainly widows in mourning have always traditionally worn black because colour is joy and light and laughter and sometimes that needs to be laid aside for a while until we are ready to live again. 

When people have visions of angels in the bible, they are always described as being very bright and bright light accompanies them. We now know that light is full of colour and I think colour in nature is always beautiful, as opposed to some manufactured products where colours can be garish and clash with one another.

God has created each one of us to be full of colour but I think the world tones us down so that we all merge into a general blandness, if we let it. Let's not clash with each other, but allow people to be different. It's about celebrating who we are whilst still being sensitive to others. 

Day 3 - Trusting

I'm all curled up in a ball just thinking. I'm thinking about the conversation we had this morning about old age, and how the choices we make daily create the person we are becoming, and who we will be in the future. Then I find myself worrying. I don't know how that happened.... it kind of came out of the blue... worry about finances, and worry about health. I sit up. Lord? This isn't right. Help me to trust you. Into my mind comes the wonderful hymn 'I am trusting you Lord Jesus' by Frances Havergal.  

             Here are some of  the words:

I am trusting you, Lord Jesus, 
Trusting only you;
Trusting you for full salvation,
Great and free.

I am trusting you to guide me;
You alone shall lead,
Every day and hour supplying
All my need.

I am trusting you, Lord Jesus;
Never let me fall.
I am trusting you forever
And for all.

I sing it through.... and feel better. Some of these old great hymns are so uplifting. These words, and also the tune, are so simple, but maybe that helps the message sink in more easily. I have three thoughts about trusting.

• It takes courage to trust
• It needs a decision to do it
• It often means moving 

So trusting isn't an easy option because it means stepping out of our comfort zone and putting one foot in front of another in the mist, trusting we're going in the right direction. In my case, the simple singing of an old hymn made all the difference.

Day 2 - Not Alone

As I walk into my room tonight the curtains are open and I stand for a while, looking out into the night. Meanwhile my cat who has once again followed me up, walks to and fro across the window sill, purring. I can hear the noises of the world outside, the hum of traffic, the occasional car horn and the church bells. I sit on my rug and still myself in God's presence. I can hear the hum of my body, my heart beating, the whirring of the blood going round. There is sound everywhere. I think about my spirit and I imagine my body, not as a solid mass, but as millions of moving particles with spaces in between, rather like the planets in space. I imagine the Holy Spirit of God coming to occupy the spaces in between the atoms and dwelling inside the same space as my body. I breath out, relaxing, yet find myself beginning to bite my nails. Something inside me is not quite at peace.

Today we visited an art gallery in the city. Walking from the car park we passed a group of young men and I noticed the look in the eyes of one of them; there was a coldness there which made me shiver a little. And then we passed a young woman listening to something through earphones and yet there was fear in those eyes. I am aware of the hardness in people's hearts and the spread of evil in our beautiful world. Fear can make us want to retreat into our cozy homes and forget about suffering and evil. Suddenly I find myself singing the lovely song by Christina Perri, ' A Thousand Years' and these words strike me, "How to be brave? How can I love when I'm afraid to fall?" And I remember that the Lord Jesus has loved me for more than a thousand years and will keep loving me for eternity! So how can we, then, be brave? How can we step out into the world with our eyes wide open and not be afraid? Only because of the indwelling presence of the Holy Spirit vibrating, atom for atom, inside our very souls. We are not alone. 

DAY 1 - Being Me.

How persistent is that cat? So I go upstairs for my first hour of waiting in God's presence, and she follows me upstairs. "Oh no, not this time little one!" I shut the door on her and pull the bedside table up against the door - (our door doesn't shut properly). Here I am, lying face-down on my little bedside rug and I start to hear her scrabbling at the door. This goes on for about 6 minutes with the occasional loud banging noise as she jumps up to pull down the handle. She'll get fed up soon, I think. It goes quiet for a bit, then it starts again. "What shall I do, Lord?" "Just let her in :) " "ok, but don't forget, it was your idea!" 

All at once I am struck by how sometimes we feel like that about coming into God's presence.... it's like we're trying so hard and the door is closed.....and then the tables are turned and I see that it's the Lord who's really trying to speak into OUR lives and we're just too busy, or too scared, or too hurt to let Him in. Jiggy, my cat, is now purring all around me and rubbing herself on me, and I am reminded of the C.S. Lewis story, 'The Horse and his Boy' where Shasta has to wait at the tombs and the cat, who is really Aslan (for anyone who doesn't know the story, Aslan represents Jesus) comes to keep him company. In our lives we're sometimes in this position - in a place we'd rather not be, with a load of dead things all around us. Maybe we've flushed our hopes and dreams down the toilet (as the Virgin trains tell us not to do....) and shattered relationships, ill health and disappointments lie in heaps at our feet. Suddenly I am a 10 year old child again, and going round the stations of the cross every week during Lent (sorry for those who are not Catholics....it's a prayer round the church remembering Jesus on His way to the cross). Suddenly, in my imagination, Jesus is there with me, carrying, instead of the cross, the weight of disappointment in my little heart because of my mother's death, and rather like Shasta, who didn't realise the cat was Aslan, I never knew He was there. I lie still, feeling a great sense of peace and all the while, my cat purrs around me. One thing I know, is that this is a place I can just be me, and God is here.

 

50 Days of Light.

My Inspiration for writing this blog came one night a couple of weeks ago. I couldn't sleep and came downstairs, made myself a cup of tea and just sat in the moonlight. It was SO bright and beautiful and peaceful I just sat quietly in God's presence. It reminded me of our holidays in Scotland when one of my daughters talked about the Scottish I. I thought she was talking about a Scottish eye at first and was totally confused until she explained it was actually the letter i with the moon being the dot and the reflection on the water of the loch being the main part of the letter. Moonlight is like God's reflection shining down on the world, and his presence in our lives is the 'I AM' now-ness.....He's with us all the time. 

So......I had an 'i'-dea! During Lent this year I would  spend an hour each day in His presence and write a diary of my experiences!..... just sit quietly and wait.....and see what happens:) So here goes....

Actually, I'm going to do it for 50 days, so I'm going to start on Sunday and finish on Easter Sunday, and record my thoughts here for others to read if they are interested. I'm SO excited but nervous as well. It feels like a big adventure. To help with the extra time it'll take in my life, I'm going to stop watching T.V. dramas too - it won't be easy as I'm rather fond of them - but I'm going to concentrate on God's story for a while.

So I'd like to invite you to join me on this adventure.

See you on Sunday.

Shirleyxxx